A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After the mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a glass of Vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip."  So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink. He 
proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon his return to the office after
the mass was finished, he found the following note on the door.

   1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
   2.  There are 10 commandments not 12.
   3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
   4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
   5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
   6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
   7.  The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
       daddy ,Junior and the Spook.
   8.  David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
   9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off of his donkey,
       don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10.  We do not refer to the cross as the big T.
  11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take
       this eat it for this is my body."  He didn't say "Eat me".
  12.  The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry".
  13.  The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-a dub-dub,
       thanks for the grub, yea God".
  14.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters,
       not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.