GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?

  __ Newspaper
  __ Bible
  __ Torah
  __ Television
  __ Book of Mormon
  __ Divine Inspiration
  __ Dead Sea Scrolls
  __ My Mama Done Tol' Me
  __ Near Death Experience
  __ Near Life Experience
  __ National Public Radio
  __ Tabloid
  __ Burning Shrubbery
  __ Other (specify): _____________

  2. Which model deity did you acquire?

  __ Jehovah
  __ Jesus
  __ Krishna
  __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
  __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
  __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
  __ Allah
  __ Satan
  __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
  __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
  __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
  __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

  __ Yes
  __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please
indicate all that apply:

  __ Not eternal
  __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
  __ Not omniscient
  __ Not omnipotent
  __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
  __ Permits sex outside of marriage
  __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
  __ Makes mistakes
  __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
  __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
  __ Looks after life other than that on Earth
  __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
  __ Requires burnt offerings
  __ Requires virgin sacrifices

  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please
check all that apply.

  __ Indoctrinated by parents
  __ Needed a reason to live
  __ Indoctrinated by society
  __ Needed focus in whom to despise
  __ Imaginary friend grew up
  __ Hate to think for myself
  __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
  __ Fear of death
  __ Wanted to piss off parents
  __ Needed a day away from work
  __ Desperate need for certainty
  __ Like organ music
  __ Need to feel morally superior
  __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
  __ Shit was falling out of the sky
  __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

  5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you
fooled by? Please check all that apply.

  __ Baal
  __ The Almighty Dollar
  __ Left Wing Liberalism
  __ The Radical Right
  __ Amon Ra
  __ Beelzebub
  __ Bill Gates
  __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
  __ The Great Spirit
  __ The Great Pumpkin
  __ The Sun
  __ The Moon
  __ Cindy Crawford
  __ Elvis
  __ A burning shrub
  __ Other: ________________

  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God? Please check all that apply.

  __ Tarot
  __ I Ching
  __ Lottery
  __ Astrology
  __ Television
  __ Fortune cookies
  __ Ann Landers
  __ Psychic Friends Network
  __ Dianetics
  __ Palmistry
  __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
  __ Self-help books
  __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
  __ Biorhythms
  __ Alcohol
  __ Bill Clinton
  __ Tea Leaves
  __ EST
  __ Amway
  __ CompuServe
  __ Mantras
  __ Jimmy Swaggert
  __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
  __ Human sacrifice
  __ Pyramids
  __ Wandering around a desert
  __ Insurance policies
  __ Burning shrubbery
  __ Barney T.B.P.D.
  __ Barney Fife
  __ Other:_____________________
  __ None

  7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?

  a. More Divine Intervention
  b. Less Divine Intervention
  c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
  d. Don't know... What's Divine Intervention?

  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1 =
unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

  a. Disasters:
  1 2 3 4 5 flood
  1 2 3 4 5 famine
  1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
  1 2 3 4 5 war
  1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
  1 2 3 4 5 plague
  1 2 3 4 5 Spam
  1 2 3 4 5 AOLers

  b. Miracles:
  1 2 3 4 5 rescues
  1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
  1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
  1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
  1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
  1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

  9. From time to time God makes available the names and addresses of His
followers and devotees to selected divine personages who provide quality
services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a
compilation of listed offerings?

  __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own
mortal soul
  __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for
my
money

  10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): >>