> Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had > an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 > year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to > God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. > Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", > that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and > that she was "thrilled to have had his child." > > In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying > that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story > will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Baalzebub > immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his > investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have > been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to > his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as > the "Wise Men". > > Baalzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are > rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have > pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges > that Baalzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had > created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed > land deal. > > In recent months, Baalzebub's investigation has already been expanded to > cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued > God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims > that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert > attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a > parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest > group was quid pro quo for political contributions. > > If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow > to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter > moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God > recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 > "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. > Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any > provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the > ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional > restriction on free speech. > > --Alan Salmi