At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivilized you ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. "Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

> Quote
> There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
> Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

 Business Signs
 =====================
 On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
 Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." 
 In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
 On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
 On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
 At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
 On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
 On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." 
 In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
 On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
 On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
 At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." 
 On a fence: "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive."
 At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car  payment."
 Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary.  We'll hear you coming."
 Outside a Hotel: "Help!  We need inn-experienced people." 
 In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
 On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the  2nd one just left."
 In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit! Stay!" 
 On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
 At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.  However, if you don't, you will be."
 In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
 On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
 In a Restaurant window:  "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
 Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop." 
 On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
 In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." 
 In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory.  Growing wise is optional."