AIRLINE HUMOR

Smoking is not allowed on the plane, but if you feel you must smoke,
please
feel free to step outside on the wing.  While there watch for today's
in-flight movie
"Gone With the Wind."
In the event that your flight turns into a cruise, the cushions can be
used
as flotation devices.  There are rafts located in the compartments
above,
and unlike the Titanic, there are enough seats for everyone.
Please check the overhead compartments before departing the plane, and
be
careful when opening them because "shift happens."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of the airplane..."

After landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

>From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle,
and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
margarine cups will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are
traveling
with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:  "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the Industry...Unfortunately, none
of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,"That was
quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you
it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight
attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day.  During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced,  "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened
while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers
in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot, "what is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we
shot down?"


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the
insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope
you'll think of us here at US Airways