THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals who through single-minded self-sacrifice have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. The award trophy carries the motto "Learn from the mistakes of others; you won't live long enough to make them all yourself." NEW 1997 NOMINEES Killer Bees LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a beehive from a shed on their property with the aid of an an illegal firecracker, commonly known as a "pineapple," which has the explosive power of a half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive. The concussion shattered the window, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding that the injury required stitches, the brothers decided to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards the car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving and enraged bees. It turns out that, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the hospital. Inedible underwear PHILIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment during her show. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," said the dancer, who was identified only as 'Ginger,' adding "he was really drunk." Beginner's luck RENTON, WA. A local man with no prior criminal record attempted to rob the H&J Leather & Firearms gun shop, which was full of customers at the time. He entered the shop by stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, and past a uniformed officer standing at the counter having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, killing the man instantly. No one else was hurt, although several other customers who also drew their guns withheld fire. Washington state ranks third in the U.S. for number of concealed weapons licenses issued per capita. The good news is...he survived the train wreck MOREE, NEW SOUTH WALES, AUSTRALIA. A driver who survived an accident with a 3000 ton wheat train fell to his death as he walked for help. Police said that the Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night. They apparently failed to notice the fully laden, 600 meter long train as it made a level highway crossing in front of them. Their vehicle became wedged between the last two carriages and was dragged sideways along the track for more than a kilometer and a half by the still moving train. Moments before reaching an unfenced bridge over a 100 meter drop, the car struck a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun around several times. After it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck with only minor bruises. The man set off along the railway line for help, but slipped on the bridge and fell to his death. His companion is recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries. When you abolutely, positively have to get there CHERBOURG, FRANCE. Jacques LeFevrier apparently tried to leave nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. Standing at the top of a tall cliff overlooking the Atlantic sea, he tied a noose around his neck, tied the other end of the rope to a large rock, drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment by firing a pistol as he jumped. The bullet missed him completely, cutting through the rope above him, and he plunged into the water below. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and the poison induced vomiting. He was dragged out of the water by a passing fisherman and taken to hospital, where he died of hypothermia. MORE 1997 WANNABEES Against all odds MINNEAPOLIS, MN. Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged with third-degree murder in the death of his cousin Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a new twist on the old game of Russian roulette by introducing a semiautomatic pistol into the contest. He put the weapon to Ken's head and fired, killing him instantly. Stunted growth... GULF BREEZE, FL. Two of three unidentified teenage males pled 'no contest' to a charge of reckless endangerment in an incident involving the shooting of their own action/adventure "movie" using a home video camera. In a scene that called for one character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing his clothes with lighter fluid. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. The brief trial ended when the state prosecutor placed into evidence their video, which had captured the entire episode. Where's the beef? NAGOYA, JAPAN. Dazed crew members of a Japanese trawler were plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. They were immediately detained when, to a man, they claimed that a cow falling out of a clear blue sky had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in detention for several weeks until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced it into the plane's hold and hastily took off. The plane was not rigged to carry live cargo, and the Russian crew was unable to manage the rampaging animal. To save the aircraft and themselves, they jettisoned the creature as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.